Imagine this-you just sit down with a nice piping hot bowl of soup, a good magazine and a carb-o-licious lump of wheat bread to fill you up. We all know soup isn't really a stomach filler...at least not this stomach. Your coworkers are all indulging in whatever they brought to lunch. A smart one, a can of progresso and my least favorite (and you'll see why) the SANDWICH (dum dum dummmmm!!) Don't misunderstand me...i love sandwiches. Salami, turkey....i am the1 out of 13 people who eat liverwurst...yeahup-i'm that girl. Whats not to love about a sandwich? right? WRONG...
It was decided upon before i was born. I would be given a father who slurped, burped, chomped, snapped, crackled and popped while eating so much as a grape. I know, you think i'm overexaggerating...making it up because i'm the 'middle child' but i kid you not...my father till this day is either deaf, has no regard to anyone around him, or in a previous life was a caveman and is still getting rid of all those kinks. At an early age i could remember sitting at the table sick to my stomach shooting him looks like no other 5 year old would even know they had. As i sit here writing this someone stands in front of my desk gnawing on a chocolate covered almond. I feel the heat rising to my head, my cheeks red, the pain....i have to think happy thoughts (patrick dempsey, money, my future unborn children) just to remain in control and not snatch the almonds out of her hand and launching them at her knee caps. deep breaths...
By now you are probably asking yourself how this could pertain to a delectable sandwich...Well...what goes along with sandwiches? pudding? no, perhaps an apple, not around here....what about a bag of baked lays? ding...doritos...ding ding...pretzels..ding ding ding! now you've got it....people-if someone can make noise eating a poor tiny swedish fish...what do you think they are going to do with their very own bag of potato chips???? potato chips = my hell!
I cringe low in my seat, push my soup away and wonder how i could tell them that they are physically enabling me to finish my lunch. I am twenty something years old (a lady reveals nothing) and 3 times a day for ten years (breakfast, lunch & 3pm snack time) my blood pressure rises and i hate the world. Sometimes i even leave the location i'am in (usually work) for a good 7 minutes because that seems to be the time frame they need to consume their bag of delish (for them) and a bag of shoot me in the foot (for me!)
I'd like to take a stand. Not the kind Sally Fields took when she stood on the table in the factory and shouted, UNION-UNION, you know what i'm talking about...a stand to all of those fellow loud chewer haters...we need to find a way to stop this insanity. We owe it to our ears and our blood pressure. I'm not sure i can take much more of this. If you are anything like me and truly can't take it anymore...email me...i'd like to start a petition. Perhaps even a class...silent chewing 101...i'd be happy to teach it at no cost. It would be giving these people a start at a new life. One that is filled with quiet cereal breakfast foods (eggs) why do people insist on eating coco puffs? I could teach them how to eat a chip without actually crunching down so hard that it splatters across their new black turtle neck...i could bring family dinners back in style where daughters don't throw forks at their fathers for treating a chicken cutlet like a piece of meat...wait what?....you get my point....I know i am not the only one out there....lets join together in this time of need and stop the loud chewers across the nation. are you with me?
Someone just popped open a bag of pretzels as their afternoon snack...i'll be back in 7 minutes...
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3 comments:
i can't describe how much i completely agree with you. i honestly think in many ways we are the same person. i always tell people when they chew loud, it seriously makes me want to kill someone. It's not just something i say, i really mean it! I feel the heat, the red coloring in my face ( and you know how white i am) is unbelievable. I instantly become this different person that could murder that very person chewing like a disgusting slob in front of me. Sometimes at my work, i can hear them from my office! It kills me. If anyone were actually there when i making the faces i make, i think they would admit me into a home. Why does chewing hurt us so bad? Why are people so deaf and rude and heartless? I get so mad when it's happening, and then when it's over, i feel like a horrible person! Maybe it's me, maybe i'm the odd one, the one with the problem? i don't know. it hurts... bad... the chips are bad... sour candy is horrible! the tongue smacking against the roof of the mouth is like something stapping me in the eye..over and over and over again. I suggest when you take that 7 minute break before you explode, call me! I am sure i am slouching half way under my desk at that very moment, hiding from the same exact noise, only from a different beast....
this leads me to thinking about much i HATE dry towels! paper towels, real towels, napkins.. ugh.. i just got the chills thinking about it!
stabbing me in the eye, not stapping!
Sign me up. I'm with you guys. Can't stand it.
My supervisor at work will often take a break to get up and get a snack, and it never fails--once he's got his bag of chips or whatever it may be, he wanders over to my desk to see what I'm doing, and he's a LOUD eater. It's so annoying.
Anyway, all that to say--I feel ya.
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